Timber

They're tumbling like dominoes now - the relationships I have with my children that is. I think I've done well to maintain them to at least healthy levels for longer than most parent-offspring relationships manage; but then our situation has been less than normal for almost a decade.

Now I am back in Andrew's blank books I did wonder how Gabriel and Lukas would react. Despite them being three of them I seldom have to deal with situations where two of them will gang up against the ostracised one. Conversely, we very rarely suffer situations where Child A is at loggerheads with Child B (whilst Child C watches with interest from the sideline, of course). The only times I can recall significant teaming is Andrew and Lukas ganging up very slightly against Gabriel, but on each occassion it was Gabe who was to blame for this.

I'd not exactly had a stick-it-on-a-postcard day at work. Out of the blue I'd been invited to a "Rewards Lunch" - which turned out to be a collection of sandwiches, savouries and other mouth-morsels in one of the conference rooms with the senior management team in attendance, each of whom ignored us mere plebians and mouthed in secret code to each other whilst tapping into their blackberries. Watching them saunter about, dressed in identical sombre suits, white shirts and company ties, reminded me of a group of a nervous pack animals which - if the rumours are to be believed - is a uniquely apt comparison as some of them are definitely for the chop.

Anyhow, here's the rub: This Rewards Lunch is an annual event, and is usually a luxurious event at some posh eaterie where dinner suits and dickie-bows are very much the order of the day. This is the first time I'd ever been nominated for one - and of course, with the current roller-coaster fiscal environment, they was no way my company was going to risk the threat of wasting money on self-congratulatory dinners. So I got a half-an-hour freebie lunch in a meeting room.

Still, I set out on proving that there is such a thing as a free lunch by gobbling down as much in the way of freebies as I could get my fingers on. It would save me the bother of not preparing any lunch for my sons or Colin once I was home. The sandwiches were very uninspirational but the mini Scotch eggs and pork pies found particular favour with my gullet. And we were allowed a glass or two of Asti Spumante, which I should not have done as I spent the afternoon fighting to keep my eyelids from meeting in the middle.

Came home to be greeted by a half-hearted hi from Lukas who'd pre-empted my lack of culianry willingness and was tucking into beans-on-toast, and a thunder of footsteps as one of my remaining sons seemed to tumble down the stairs. I braced myself in case Andrew suddenly exploded into the kitchen wielding a mace, but instead it was Gabriel wielding a expression of intense delight.

Gabriel yelled at me: Guess what dad! (and before I'd even had chance to formulate the mere inklings of a guess) Me and Lian are back together!

This is cruel of me, I know, but I just shrugged my shoulders and said: So?

Gabriel popped and went whizzing around the kitchen before deflating back down to the floor. He looked as if I'd just told him I'd reported Lian's family to the authorities as illegal immigrants and they were being deported back to Myanmar. He said: I thought you'd be pleased for me.

Yes, Gabriel, I said. I'm pleased for you. I'm happy for you, I'm ecstatic for you. It's taking me everything ounce of my willpower not to rip off all my clothes and go dancing down the street naked whilst singing "Gabe and Lian are back together, la-di-da-di-dah" - that's how happy I am for you.

Lukas chipped in. Why are you acting like such an @rsehole, dad, he asked. You've been acting like an @rsehole for a few days now. It's getting a bit boring, now.

So in defence, I said that if I am acting like an arsehole I think I have a very valid reason to, especially when one of my sons seems to expect me to take a keen interest in his relationship when not one of you apparently give you a toss about mine.

Lukas and Gabriel exchanged puzzled looks. After a moment, Gabriel said: Is this about that woman you keep phoning?

I laughed - as this was just so funny.

No, Gabe, I said. This is about my wife. This is about your mother. You know, that woman you've quite evidently forgotten. I just wanted us to spend a few moments in remembering her on Sunday, and not one of you could be @rsed to come with me. I didn't think it was too much to ask, yet apparantly it was.

But you haven't mentioned mum for years, said Lukas. How comes she's suddenly so important now?

I said just because I never mention her, doesn't mean I've completely forgotten her. And she's not so suddenly important. She's always been important. She just happens to be dead. She's certainly important enough for us to spend an hour or so together as a family in rememberance of her, even if it's just once a year.

Then Lukas said if mum is so important, how come you're after some other woman?

Seldom have I gone from simmering to boiling over so swiftly.

I said: Because I'm f*cking lonely, Lukas. All I've got is you three and I don't know if you've noticed but there's a bit of an age gap here. And you're all building your own lives now and soon you're all going to f*ck off and forget about me and I'm going to be a sad, fat bloke in a house with more rooms than he needs. You really think I'm going to let that happen?

Lukas and Gabriel looked at me, dumbstruck and blinking. I didn't feel like seeing their faces any longer so I went to hide upstairs.