Is This The Way To Southampton?

Last night was the first time I'd had to referee the Thursday Night Conundrum, which is thus:

[A] Gabriel at Martial Arts 6pm-7pm, 20 mile round trip heading north

[B] Lukas at Basketball 6.30pm-7.30pm, 20 mile round trip heading south

This has never been an issue before, as Gabriel has only taken up martial arts at the behest of his re-united lovely AFTER Lukas suffered his now-healed broken arm which has caused his realitively lengthy absence from the basketball court. So the timings have never clashed and they didn't clash last week as Gabriel was estranged from Lian and didn't feel like going.

So there's the quandary. As far as I am concerned, I am keen to take Lukas to basketball as there is a sport I can at least watch and I do enjoy watching him play. But I am also keen for Gabriel to continue with his Martial Arts as it's the only non-school physical activity he indulges in and it's given him a notable if slight improvement in both his physical appearance and general levels of confidence and contentedness.

My only thoughts to this solution were to persuade Colin to escort Gabriel to the academy via the bus (I still consider Gabriel at fourteen and a week too young to be using public transport on his lonesome) whilst I drove Lukas to the leisure centre. This depended wholly upon Colin, who's attendance at home seems to be continually erratic (not that it's any of my business as he's a big boy), and his willingness to spend half-an-hour on the bus, then a further hour doing whatever he could do to find to pass the time, then another half-an-hour home. I had my doubts.

However, in the event (and not at all guided by Colin not being present) my solution was notably different. I took neither of them.

I'd wondered how the pair of them would tackle their need for transport, as I have been spending the week childishly but satisfactorily provided nothing for them other than a roof over their heads. After my outburst the previous evening I'd spent a good couple of hours in my bedroom watching stuff on the TV that succeeded in turning my brain to mush. When I came downstairs again the pair of them were routinely shooting each other via Call of Duty on the PS2. They pretended not to notice me, even when I stepped in front of the TV just as Lukas was about to relieve Gabriel of his head (which normally would have caused extensive howls of protest and dismay). I ended up in the kitchen, made myself a sandwich, flicked through Total Film and read articles on Starship Troopers and Walter Herzog, then returned upstairs and watched a documentary on pushy parents who have precious, sporty children (all of whom were portrayed in a probably deliberate slightly unhealthfully-obsessed manner). Thus ended my evening.

Back home after work it was another foot in the door moment as Lukas jumped on me; he'd obviously deduced his chances of winning in the Gabe/Lukas transportation battle would be increased if he stuck his oar in first. He asked (albeit slightly nervously) if I would be taking him to basketball this evening. I said that I was not (okay, so I was STILL in a bloody-minded mood). He asked me why, and I said because (a) I didn't feel like it (and I didn't, for several reasons, mainly that I have not been sleeping well of late and (b) I had better things to do with my time. Lukas just gave me a look that mingled disappointment with hurtfulness and scampered off.

Gabriel was next down, his expression one of concern that as Lukas had gotten in first he might have swayed me in my dad-taxi tendencies. He asked me which of him and Lukas I was taking out tonight. I said neither. He said why not. I repeated the reply I offered Lukas. I got the same expression except with Gabe the hurtfulness was clearly more evident.

If I was much more of a hard-hearted bar-steward I'd be enjoying this. But I'm not, and I intend to recommence things with a clean slate once the weekend is over; if the kids'll let me. I know I am teaching them a lesson by hitting in the face with the blackboard, but sometimes subtlety is not the most desirable policy. Especially when it comes to teenagers.

Andrew came down later to rummage around the fridge and told me that I was being an utter @rsehole and should jack it in. I replied that I knew very well that I was being an utter @rsehole but that was the whole point. Andrew asked if that made me proud. I said I'd abandoned any notion of pride a long time ago. Andrew said with the supercilious tone of his - well that's quite evident, then returned back upstairs.

I wish I cared a bit more, but currently, I don't. I realise in many ways this behaviour is quite out of character for me, but it's the way I currently feel. As I said, I am tired.

But not tired enough to consider abandoning my plans of driving down to Southampton and spending an hour or two or a day or two with Sarah (hopefully the latter). I've packed a very small suitcase of my nicer clothes and cheap toiletries. And I'm taking a condom. More in hope than in expectation, of course.

Even if nothing happens; if it ends whatever tentative relationship I currently have with Sarah; it'll do me good to get out of my familiar environment, and away from my house, and away from the boys.

Jesus - I'm actually looking forwards to something!