Lukas and the Case of the Stolen Condom

I've had my far more than my fair share of teenage horror situations of late, so to hear my twelve-year-old might be sexually active - inevitable? Especially as only this week I've been talking about Alfie Patten's premature parentage status. I don't want to be a grand-dad just yet, thank you - even though I've heard claims that Alfie Patten's (alleged) pregnancy-producing preteen penis may earn him as much as half a million quid in media rights. The whole thing just makes me queasy; the way something that a couple of decades ago would have been shamefully hushed up is now so openly washed in the public eye for the titilation of those who think nothing of blurring that fading line between fact and fiction.

Thankfully, Lukas and the Case of the Stolen Condom has not added to my woes.

On my brother's tip-off I searched out the ancient and largely forgotten box of condoms that I once kept in hope in the little cupboard next to my bed. I still keep them there, but habit has long replaced hope. Actually, I have to change the tense - kept them there as they are now in the bin as the 'perish' date was embarrassing and told too much of a story. I might get some new ones - see what Colin has persuaded me to consider later on - but I can't quite see the necessity. If I get queues of beautiful ladies outside my house I'm last in the likely list of whom they'd be queueing to see. I think I'd even be behind Andrew; I'm sure his good looks would be enough to persuade a few girls to try and nudge him from his chosen path of homosexuality.

Lukas was - just for a change - shooting innocents on the PS2. I waltzed past him and into the empty kitchen (Colin and Gabe out; Andrew in room; Ripley doesn't count), sat down at the table and shouted him to join me at an opportune moment. After fifteen minutes it was clear my idea of an opportune moment and Lukas' idea of the same did not share a bed, so I ordered him in.

He came in looking disgruntled, and not bothering to hide an expression that told me he was unlikely to be interested in anything I might have to say to him. He sat down, leaning on his elbows with one hand over his mouth, and looked at everything in the kitchen except the person about to talk to him.

With Lukas, there's never any point in edging up to things, so I jumped straight in:

Can I have my condoms back, please?

And it's just as difficult to ruffle him:

Well, you can have one of them back. I've used the other one.

And of course, it's quite easy to ruffle me. And Lukas succeeded in that with just one sentence. I did manage to keep my cool, however. I asked him to explain exactly what he meant by I've used the other one. And he did: He said he tried one on because he was wondering what it would feel like. And I asked him what it felt like and he said Yukky.

I asked him if he knew what condoms are for and he gave me a disbelieving expression and said of course. I ask him to confirm that for me and he said To catch your jizz when you're having sex.

Sometimes I wish I had a more uniform relationship with my boys; then I wouldn't have to hear them talking about Jizz and sex. But hey ho.

I asked Lukas about the whereabouts of the other one and he said it was in his wallet; and upon asking why he just shrugged and said everyone's got one. I think he knew where I was going with this: He went on to say Don't worry dad, I'm not likely to getting any girls pregnant just yet, as I'm not that into them (adding with concrete sincerity that he was NOT like Andrew). So I asked why the condom and he said because if you don't have one, you get called gay. It's just the thing at the moment, Lukas continued. Billy Swannington came to school last week and showed us he had one and now everyone's got to have one.

And here endeth any affinity with or understanding of twelve-year-old boys.

So I explained the perishable nature of said prophylactics and told him that whilst it okay for him to have one in his possession he was not to use it for its intended purpose as there was a high possibility of failure; and if he was to get a newer version he was not to use if for its intended purpose either, nor have any dealings with such intended purposes as it was my opinion he was far to young to delve into what can be at times a decidedly murky area.

Lukas had one final question for me before he ended the discussion. He asked me why some condoms were flavoured. I said they were just novelty condoms and were not to be used for actual lovemaking. Lukas said that's not what Billy Swannington says. I told to him to refer to Billy Swannington for further clarification as I didn't want to talk about it.

Later on, Colin asked me how I felt about speed-dating. I asked him whether for him or me and he said both. I said I couldn't think of a more terrible way to spend an evening, except perhaps sitting through any box set of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. This pushed Colin into immediate disparaging mode, admonishing me for my lack of a sense of fun, which is becoming a recurring theme. He'd been searching the internet and found a local(ish) pub that hosted a speed-dating night once a month, and Saturday night was *the night* and we should go as (a) it would get us both out of the house and (b) it might be enjoyable. I said what about (c). Colin said we would cross that bridge if we should happen to come to it. And I told him I was certainly not giving up my bed.

I might go. It might be fun. But I have my doubts on both fronts.