It's Not A Horse Shoe

Gabe came to me yesterday evening wearing one of those sheepish expressions that can only be a signal he wanted to impart something to me that he's pretty sure I will not approve of. I *did* (for once) actually have some paperwork I was catching up on, so was sitting at the table armed with my laptop and a small measure of Gledfiddich, with Colin sat opposite me scanning the Telegraph (never thought Colin would be a Telegraph man - my guess would have been the Mail) and gulping Stella. I looked at Gabriel and it immediately sprang to mind how lovely it would be if just once one of my sons came up to me with a teeth-flashing smile and told me something that would warm my very soul instead of dumping more effluence onto my rounded shoulders. Last time that happened was when Lukas informed me of his selection for the basketball team, and that of course ended in adversity and a breakage rather than triumph (although the cast in now off! Yeah!).

Gabe continued to hesitate, flicking his eyes over to Colin. I asked him what the problem was. Colin looked up from the paper, and acknowledged the presence of his nephew for the first time.

So middle son began, with stumbling words: He'd gotten Lian a Valentine's Day card and a present but wondered if he should give it to her as he wouldn't now how she would react as she's only just started being really friendly again so he decided not too but then *she* gave *him* a card and a present and it was a bit of a shock to be honest and everything and it's all a bit confusing but I gave her her present in the end and she really liked it and can I have my ear pierced?

So (after the necessary pause) I asked why do you want your ear pierced? To which Gabriel magicked from his back pocket a very small dark-blue cardboard box. Upon opening the lid he took out a small, horse-shoe shaped earring. I offered my palm and he placed it into my hand. I poked a finger at it - although what for, I've no idea as I've not the slightest clue about nor interest in shiny, dangling things, so I handed it back. Colin grunted his wish for a similar spot of perusing, and Gabriel allowed him such. Colin poked at it a bit then returned it Gabriel, complete with an opinion of 'Platinum'. I asked where Lian had gotten something a little bespoke, and he said her mother made jewelery as a bit of a hobby.

I asked why a horse-shoe? For luck, perhaps? Gabriel told me it wasn't a horse-shoe, it was the Myanarese letter 'G' - for Gabriel, he further explained, as though I was the sort of dude who found Sesame Street a mite taxing.

So was it all right if he got his ear pierced, he asked. And I said yes, of course it would be okay, it's your body.

But Colin did not approve. He said Hold on a minute here, I don't think you've thought this through. I was about to protest this was really not a matter for his consideration as I alone law down the law as far as my children are concerned, but noticed he was talking to Gabe, not me.

Gabriel said What?

So Colin explained. I don't know how to speak Myanmarese, he said, but I'd take a guess it's like all the other oriental languages. They don't spell words letter by letter. They spell words syllable by syllable. Unless it's Chinese then it's one character per word.

This wasn't getting through to Gabriel. So Colin gave an example: Kawasaki, he said. Eight letters over here, but in Japanese only four. Ka. Wa. Sa. Ki. Get it?

(Actually I looked it up on the net later and he's wrong but the general gist is correct).

Gabriel wasn't getting it. So what? he said.

So, said Colin, if you wear this you could be going around with the Myanmarese character for the first syllable of your name stuck on your ear. Which is...

(Which showed a blustering lack of tact, given the sexual orientation of Middle Son's elder brother, but I let it pass)

And so Gabriel put two and two together. And dismissed the answer. He said: She wouldn't do that to me. Then turned back to me and confirmed I would be happy in him getting his ear pierced, and I confirmed that I was. He asked if he could go with Lian to town tomorrow and get it done, and I said that no, that would not be okay. I said I would take him at the weekend. Gabriel frowned, asking me what the problem was and why I did not trust him, so I explained that there was a female involved, and I didn't want him coming home with a three-foot long tattoo of a red dragon on his back from the nape of his neck to the start of his @rse-crack just because Lian had told him such a thing would be likely to win her favour. Gabriel dismissed this as overkill, so I told him that three months ago if I suggested it likely for him to be asking me to have an ear pierced, he would have been equally dismissive of such a suggestion.

So, a slightly happier Gabriel departed from the room, and I went back to writing another pointless piece of documentation just because Peter Handyman had stipulated he felt a need for its existence.

Bit Odd, isn't it? suddenly piped up Colin. I asked what was odd and he said Gabriel's girlfriend getting him a Myanmarese character as an earring, a bit left field, isn't it? So I explained that Lian is (for a start, it appears, not officially Gabriel's girlfriend, although surely now Valentine's Day gifts and presents have been exchanged?) Myanmarese.

Colin told me: I thought that his girlfriend was Burmese? But I wasn't fooled. I told him to f*ck off and get back to reading his paper.